SNN vs Absent Ministrator Fanfic 2009
by Ultimaximus
Summary: A fanfiction written by Ultimaximus (yours truly) in 2009 to accompany the Valley Fortress lottery submission on Super Mario World Central (SMWC; original link: smwc.me/371305). References galore to the community of the day. Quite a relic of history, but I still cannot believe that I wrote this awful terrifying thing.


Once, there was an evil and corrupt king, who's name was SNN. He instilled great fear in the hearts of the SMWC citizens. Why, whenever he so felt like it, he sent for a randomly selected virgin to lock in his chambers... Smallhacker was the royal king's advisor. He would give suggestions as to how to torment the SMWC citizens, and new techniques to bind the oh-so-fair virgins of the land. However, he secretly envied the king, and did not believe SNN was worthy of such virgins and power. He grew so frustrated with the king that he asked to be demoted to a lowly commoner...

Absent Ministrator was a fine lad. He would go out to the farms and milk the memes for the moderators, and donate his money to the kingdom. He was a hard worker, and although he had lots of charisma and pride, he did not like how SNN ruled the land...

One day, Absent was old enough to make a life of his own, go out into the world, outside of his mother's basement. He travelled the kingdom, doing good deeds and hearing many tales. In his travels, he met a wise old man, who was homeless and on a deathbed made of javascript. The man went by the name of Smallhacker. Smalls told Absent of all the evils of the king. Absent was horrified to hear of such things, and right then and there dedicated his life to de-throning the king. With his dying words, Smallhacker said: "The key to SNN's weakness is his undying hatred for Blumiere, the local blacksmith."

Absent gave Blumiere a visit, with a plan in mind. Absent walked in, and was nearly knocked off his feet by the sight of it all. There, before his eyes, was Blumiere, forging steel with his bare hands, his unclothed masculine chest gleaming with sweat in the glow of the near-molten metal. Absent was traumatized, but attempted to shake it off. He cleared his throat, grabbing Blumiere's attention. He queried if Blumiere would join him in an infiltration of the king's castle. Blumiere orgasmed at the thought of seeking revenge, but then realized how risky it would be, to do such a daunting task with what appeared to be a noob.

"Bring me the second-finest banhammer of the land, and I shall accompany you", said Blumiere.

Absent, as well as all of the townsfolk, knew that the finest banhammer was owned by SNN himself. But what of the second finest? Surely, Absent thought, it must be illegal to own such a strong banhammer, so it must be in possession of the Mafia, which has been rumored to lurk in the World of Insanity, a now-restricted area.

Absent knew he could not find the key on his own, so he asked around in several shady locations, such as the Bar and Grill. He was led to the IRC, where a mysterious yet well-respected woman named Kyoseron provided him with a torrent download. Absent regretted it, but he felt immense satisfaction at using such illegal methods.

With the key in hand, Absent ventured into the depths of the World of Insanity. He was immediately tranquilized by the Silencer Ramon, and carried in a duffel bag to the Godfather, Arbe. When Absent came to, he saw Arbe and his (ahem) whore, Crystal (I'm so sorry! _). Absent immediately bowed down in fear, for Arbe was capable of things perhaps even more cruel than SNN.

Arbe asked: "What business do you have here? Here I am, eating my cake, enjoying the 'company' of Crystal, and here you are sneaking into my territory! What is it that you want?"

Absent explained the whole ordeal. Arbe was impressed by this gutsy young fellow, and agreed to give Absent his banhammer on one condition: Absent must give him a hack Arbe can submit, taking full credit. Absent, being prepared and crafty, gave Arbe a copy of Xka Shack, and promptly left before Arbe could take a look at it.

Soon, Absent was on his way to the castle, banhammer in hand and Blumiere, now sorry he thought of Absent and his flopping cheep-cheep as noobish, tagging behind.

They easily made it past Firephoenix, the guard, because he asked to be demoted. By the time he returned, the two already entered. They swiftly and silently banhammered the lardy guards Roy, Ersanio, and Hach. smkdan pulled out an amazingly amazing exgfx patch that nearly blinded them with extra tiles, but Blumiere's hot sweaty chest reflected it back to smkd, now stunned. A swift ban, and off to the next floor.

However, Absent and Blumiere did not go unnoticed. Alcaro's ingenious camera setups spotted them, and immediately notified SNN. Being smug as he is, he sent the jester to take care of them. Supertails, wearing the checker-boarded outfit and bells reluctantly obliged. Supertails met the two, and immediately powered-up with the chaos emeralds. "NNNGGNGNGGNNNG POWER UP", went Supertails as his body began to glow. Unfortunately for him, he was so _lame_ that even the chaos emeralds couldn't power him up, and promptly stopped. He needed the Hyper emeralds which were nowhere to be found in the newer Sonic games. He collapsed to the ground out of sheer exhaustion. Absent merely replied "ST, I am disappoint." and then moved on.

They finally made their way to SNN's chambers. They saw the beautiful women, no longer virgins, hanging from chains, begging through their gags that they be killed. Absent and Blumiere grimaced, as they marched along the dark slimy (!) dungeon path, which was illuminated by burning Site Suggestions.

They reached SNN. The moment he laid eyes on Blumiere, he jumped up, with pure hatred in his eyes. His veins bulged out, as he spouted loud obscene insults he learned from Bloodstar. He charged at Blumiere, who swiftly threw down seeds that sprouted into a vine with eggs growing on it. He climbed on it, avoiding SNN. Then, out of the shadows, came Kieran, running at the vine babbling "EGGZ!1! GET YO EGGZ HEAR!1". He crashed into SNN and they both fell. Absent, knowing what to do, summoned all his strength, and barrel rolled into SNN and Kieran, and then delivered the final blow with the banhammer...


End file.
